Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The uberlube is also flammable
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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