pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
