i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
