True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
he laminated a picture of his dick.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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