Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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