That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
