You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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