i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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