My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
