That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
