Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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