are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
