She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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