I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
