Betty ford says i'm here all night
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
