Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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