pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
