Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
