just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
