I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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