jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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