She is in my trunk
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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