im about as happy as oj after his trial
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
