My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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