He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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