this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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