im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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