this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
