The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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