i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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