Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
