there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
