I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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