So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
stop calling my apartment porn island.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
