how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
