Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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