3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
