Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
