Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
