happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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