Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
