You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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