my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
