Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
