i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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