yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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