my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just googled if crying burns calories
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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