Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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