There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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