why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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